Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize