Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
