At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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