Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
