dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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