I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
