i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
