walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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