i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize