the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
