Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
