Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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