whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Too much gin, very little bucket
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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