if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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