I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
