God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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