this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize