just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
