This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
