I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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