Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
