Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
