Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
