God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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