just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
