Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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