look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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