two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
