...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
