tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
