When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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