i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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