I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize