the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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