I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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