tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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