I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Apparently you make a good broom.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
