the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When are your genitals available?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
