You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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