Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
