Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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