theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would ride that face into the sunset
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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