sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize