Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
