My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
