U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
