she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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