don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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