I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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