I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
