Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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