He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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