why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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