I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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