I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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