my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
