after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize