I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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