Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
