I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
