i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
