I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
did i walk over a car last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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