The best revenge is premature balding
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
