Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
