drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
