Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
