God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
