He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
