just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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