why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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